I have always had pride in the fact that fear was not something I had to worry about. That was before. Before I lost my brother, and my mom. Before I had my kids. Before I lost the ability to be part of my first two kids lives. Now it seems I have to admit something. I have to admit that the monsters in my mind have grown to maturity and take turns terrorizing me. It seems that I must admit that I am afraid.
I am a tough guy. Macho, and sometimes even egotistical. Not to a point (I don’t think) where I bother other people or look like an ass from Jersey Shore, but I consider myself to be a man’s man. That being said it is not easy to admit to things like fear. I fear for the safety of my kids. All the time. Too much. I worry about the number of psychopaths out there that will harm a child for their own twisted fun, and I worry about people who just don’t pay enough attention to their surroundings like the young lady in Oregon who recently ran over a pile of leaves for fun, not realizing there were two young girls playing in them at the time. One simple mistake. Anyone could have made it, and it cost a family the life of two beautiful young girls.
I worry about my family. The loss we have endured over the years is enough to bring most people to a breaking point. Somehow we have stayed strong, but how much more can we take? How much more before someone gives up. I don’t think it will happen, but I am afraid of it all the same.
I worry about my own safety. I never cared much about whether I lived or died. So long as I had fun I felt I was doing the right thing. Now? Now, I am afraid of my kids no longer having a dad because I wanted to do something “fun” and disregarded the danger. I am afraid of driving in bad conditions because some ice could change my boys lives in an instant, or another driver who is drunk or careless could do the same.
I am afraid that I am not doing enough with/for my kids. Am I doing what needs to be done for them to have success in their future, or am I trying to hard not to upset them since they have been through so much already, and thereby creating more of the entitled assholes that seem to be taking this world over?
Failure! This is a big one for me. I have tried many things and failed at most of them. This was in my youth, and the time for that has passed. With so many who depend on me, failure is no longer an option and I fear it. I watched a clip from one of those music star maker shows today. It was a man who was so frightened to go up and sing that he was in tears. He had wanted to audition for the show for five years in a row but chickened out. This time he managed to get on the stage and instead of tears born of fear and nerves he cried at the crowds reaction. They stood and screamed and yelled. His wonderful song blew them away and he was as shocked as the judges. This man took five years to face that fear and kick it in the teeth. I don’t want to do that.
I have a motto that I came up with for my life. Dream big, Live bigger. This means to place your goals high. Make them almost unattainable. Then kick them in the teeth and exceed them. Live bigger than your dreams. I think it is a great motto, and a great way to live life. I just hope I can stick to it.
I am writing this because I think admitting it is important. The realization that it is what it is. The knowledge that I am not perfect, and neither is anyone around me. Now I just need to control it somehow. I cry more than I ever have, and often times at the stupidest things. I get angry about things that are really only mildly annoying. I just don’t know how to deal with this new-found emotion. Fear is driving it and I know that now. Fear of all of the above listed things and a few others that I have not talked about. Now I need to figure out how to take that wheel away. Fear is good. It is healthy. We have it for a reason, to protect ourselves and others around us from being hurt. It is when we allow it to take us over and control us, to “drive the car” that we become slaves to it. I don’t want to be a slave, so it seems I have some work to do.
This post probably flies around a bit. It is being written while I try to deal with some of the emotion that it talks about and that usually makes for some bad writing, but it also makes for real writing so I hope you all learned something. Something about me, and about yourselves. Thanks for reading!